he Fynest Wares for
the next 30 feet at least! Gooooooood
Gent-CRACK-les -- oooh how embarrassing. You'll never
make it to the end of your shift now. You need to warm up your
First you'd better make certain that your body is up for the
task. Speaking, much less hawking all day requires practice. This
is true outside of faire for speaking positions like teaching or
sales. You need to keep your voice fit and vibrant, watch your
enunciation, learn your natural pitch, and project from that
- Drink More Water Than You Want To
- The first place dehydration hits is those nice soft moist
overused tissues of your throat and voicebox. All that hot,
dry, dusty air ripping through there... ow! Drink, Drink,
Drink! And note, your body can only take in so much water at
a time, so pouring down a liter every 6 hours doesn't help
much! Put down a few cups in the evening before bed
(especially if you've been drinking) and then another cup or two in the
morning and then sip it all day long! Can't find a fountain or
hose? Ask at any booth -- water is the
best free thing at faire!
- Avoid Irritants
- Coffee, booze, cigarettes -- these will all thrash your
throat! I limit myself to one cup of coffee, and put down a
cup of water to match it. The cited rule is two cups of water
per cup of beer.
- The Privy Is Your Friend
- Pee three times a day! Piss Clear! Cultivate friends
who possess a private privy! Learn the secret privy locations
- Stop When It Hurts
- Voice breaking, throat hurting? Stop speaking. Drink some
water, some lemon or throat tea. Still working? Gesticulate
wildly! Get in people's way and point! Use it as a bit --
point to your throat and shake your head, open your mouth
wide and let nothing come out. Smile, point, shake your head,
smile more -- move on to the next victims.
Now that your throat is prepared physically, lets loosen up
that phlegm, and ready yourself for torrents of flawless
invective! Heading for work for the big presentation, power-tie
with a perfect crease, better not stumble over your words...
- Warm Up Your Face
- Stretch out your facial muscles. Yawn as widely as you
can. Skrunch your face tightly. Expand to the biggest
surprise yawn you can. Skrunch. Expand.
- Start Your Engines
- Lips closed, making baby motorboat sputtering sounds,
spray your saliva for a moment -- mmm, tingly lips. Now
increase your pitch and frequency slowly upwards until you
hit that of a tiny 2" baby. Now drop the pitch and frequency
all the way down until your lips stop sputtering and just
slide the air out. Repeat.
- Find your base range with some primal grunting. Pretend
you're a great ape and project "ooo", "eee", "aah"
from your diaphragm.
- Twist That Tongue
Slowly at first, and then with more speed, force your
tongue to shape every syllable clearly and repeat until you
get them all out. Exaggerate the movement of your lips with
- To sit in solemn silence in a dull dark dock, in a
pestilential prison with a life long lock, awaiting the
sensation of a short sharp shock from a cheap and chippy
chopper on a big black block.
- She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him
hiccuping and amicably welcoming him in.
- Through darkest mists with stoutest boasts he thrusts
his fists against the posts and still insists he sees the
- She sells seashells by the seashore.
- You can take a scrub and a rub-and-a-dub in a two
foot tank of tin, you can stand and look at the swirling
brook and think about jumping in, you can chatter and
shake by the cold black lake, but the kind of bath for
me, is to take a dip from the side of a ship in the
trough of the rolling sea.
- Increase Your Air Intake
Inhale. Hold. Exhale. Inhale MORE. Repeat!
- Laughing is contagious and it's advantageous - ha ha
ha ha ha ha - haaaa
- Repeat, increasing the sets of 6 haws each time. 12
the second time, 18 the third, 24, etc. Deeper breaths
each time, how far can you get?
- Exercise Your Range
Using your base range you found by grunting, try some
simple vocal scales up and down your range.
- La, la+, la++, la+++, la++, la+, lahhhh
- Tum-ble-tea-hee x 4 up and 3 x down
- Zum-ble and Bum-ble as above
- Try Some Beer Scales
- Dough, the stuff I buy beer with
Ray, the guy I buy it from
Me, the one I buy beer for
Fahr, the distance to the store
So, I think I'll have a beer
La, la la la la la lahhh
Ti, no thanks I'll a beer
Which brings us back to Dough, Dough, Dough.
Whew! Its almost time for the gate to open isn't it? Better
get out there.